I'm drowning

Since January, I'm working on my undergraduate thesis. It was pretty simple, it was okay, just okay. Later on, I feel empty because I only spend my day by day working on that assignment. I lost my motivation, lost my desire and lost my instinct to survive this semester.

After that, I try to join an internship in any role (nggak semua posisi juga sih), as long as it is match with my major. There was many application packages that I sent but nothing happen. I'm falling deeper in unmotivated situation and completely lost my desire to doing anything except sleep, eat and scrolling down my social media pages. But there was my 2 application packages that makes me enrolled to some company that I've working on since April.

In April, finally I get my opportunity to collecting my undergraduate thesis data. I'm so fucking frustrated. I keeping blame my self why am I so slow? why can I collecting data faster? And... so.... on.... actually, the reason why I was soooo fucking slow on collecting my data, it's because my component of each my variable measurement is a LOT 😓.

Long story short, I'm working on my data analysis. This is more frustrated than before, but I find a way to do that. Even though all my hypothesis is rejected, I don't care wkwkwk as long as I can find the reason behind it. And I found it.

I spent around 2 or 3 months working on that shit. I did trial and error, re-write my 4th chapter and my 5th chapter. Gosh, I can't thinking clearly at that phase. I only spent my day on my internship work and on evening I just eat, checking on my phone then go straight to the bed. That's it. 

Then each of my friend have finished their undergraduate thesis. I try to ignore it but sometimes they haunt me. They haunt me very well. Later on, finally, I finished my assignment (tadaa, I know this is what you waiting for). But there's countless drama I need to pass before I got my academic certificate on my fucking hand. Lately, I'm drowning on my undeniable feeling about my self, about my future about my undergraduate thesis. I lost my motivation again, I lost my desire to do anything again, again, again, again.

I know this is just a short phase of my life and I have a mysterious future that need my attention right now but I feel unmotivated. I just want to sleep all day, no distraction from anything or maybe a short holiday.

Hhhhhh......, adulting is hard.